இன்று எனக்கு பிடித்த நண்பன் ஒருவனுக்கு பிறந்த நாள். அவனுக்கு என்னுடைய மனமார்ந்த வாழ்த்துக்கள். இதை அவனிடம் நேரிடையாக சொல்லிக்கலாமே, எதுக்கு இப்படி ஒரு பதிவில் போடுறீங்கன்னு நீங்க கேட்குறது எனக்கு கேட்குது. நான் இப்போது அந்த நண்பனுடனான உறவு இப்போது பேசும் நிலையில் இல்லை. ஒரு காலத்தில் நான் என் ஆயுள் முழுவதும் எனது கூடவே அந்த நண்பனும் வரவேண்டும் என்று மிகவும் ஆசைப்பட்டேன். எனது 'Thin Red Line between Love & Hate' என்கிற பதிவில் எங்களுடைய பழைய பதிவில் எழுதியிருந்தேன். அதில் சொன்னது போல ‘திரும்பி செலுத்தப்படாத’ அன்பு வெறுப்பாக மாறி, அந்த கோபத்தில் அவனை எப்படி எல்லாம் அணு அணுவாக பழிவாங்கவேண்டும் என்று கங்கணம் கட்டிக்கொண்டு அலைந்த நிமிடங்கள் பல. கல்லூரி முடிந்த பிறகு சில நள்ளிரவுகளில் அவனுக்கு Blank Calls கொடுத்தும், ஒரு முறை எனது cousin-இடம் சொல்லி அந்த நண்பனையும், எங்கள் குறுக்கே வந்ததாக நினைத்த நண்பனையும் அடிக்க முடியுமா என்று கூட முயன்றிருக்கிறேன். கடவுள் கருணையில் எனது மனக்கோட்டை எதுவும் நிறைவேறவில்லை. ஒரு கால வைத்தியன் குணப்படுத்த முடியாத மனக்காயங்கள் என்று எதுவும் இல்லை. காலப்போக்கில் கோபங்கள் எல்லாம் அடங்கி, ஒரு நாள் நான் உண்மையிலேயே எனது நண்பனை உண்மையாக நேசித்து இருந்திருக்கிறேனா என்று ஆராய்ந்தபோது, அன்பு வன்முறைக்கு போகாது என்று உணர்ந்தபோது மனதளவில் வெட்கப்பட்டு, 7 வருடங்களுக்கு பிறகு எனது தொந்தரவுகளுக்கு எல்லாம் மன்னிப்பு கேட்டபோது கொஞ்சம் நிம்மதி ஏற்பட்டது. இவன் மட்டும் அல்ல.. இன்னொரு பெண்ணும் என் கோபப் பட்டியலில் இருந்தாள்.

I don't mind returning calls which I was unable to take up, but I really hate returning the missed calls given by some people intentionally. That very display of "X number of missed calls" grates my nerves. This can be further drilled down to whom and why. Only person I don't mind "accepting" the missed calls is from my niece Meera. She is still in her school and is dependent on her parents for the her mobile bills. Even then sometimes she calls me, I expect the ring to die in 2-3 seconds so that I can call her back, but she insists me on taking that call. Else she communicates me via SMS not expecting me to call her. But I have few friends who are well earning, still give missed calls and signalling me to call back. More than the 'call cost' involved, I hate the very attitude of 'making the receiver pay' behind these calls. Worse is when I get missed calls from unknown numbers. A kinda curiousity creeps in whether this will be somebody who wants to reach me.. like courier boy or delivery boy, but many times it turns out to be somebody who dialled my number inadvertently.

Whenever I say to my family that I have got a new friend in my life, nobody takes them seriously and all I get is a smirk... a mocking smirk. Ask Anis.. he'll give a big laugh. That eventually means "So is this the new flavour of the season ..?". Admitted that I haven't got any friend who was with me since my "chaddi" days... but I always acknowledge the people who walked into and away from my life, how much they had left an indelible mark, contributing some permanent changes in my personality. Most of the school & college friends have moved to different parts of the world, and it is natural for me to know, understand and get closer to people who are in physical proximity. But the friendships / relationships that survive the distance still continues even though the numbers are very meagre, still I don't complain. Because as far as friends concerned, the lesser is the merrier for me - I can give enough & complete attention to them. C'mon, somebody please take me & my friends seriously... Ha! Ha! Ha! There are other factors also.

Love - one word that mesmerises every living being... Even though many people claim that they are ruthless & those who actually are, once started experiencing the bliss of being loved, not necessarily the "marriageable" love but affection in any forms, get tamed to the extent of a following lamb. So everybody loves to be loved than loving.. a statement I am sure that won't be challenged. But... the hitch is that we all want to be loved by the people we actually love and any unsolictated love is unrequited or even acknowledged. When we don't get our love reciprocated by the people whom we love, it pains a lot whereas we don't even bother to reciprocate the love and affection showered on us by the people whom we actually are indifferent to. Sometimes we are bestowed with the wisdom or realising the pain of unrequited love only when our love is not acknowledged or returned. But most of the time we can't be objective in realising that our non acknowledgement is causing pain to somebody else.

When was the last time I cried my heart out (even though not so dramatic but with a heavy heart and tears brimming in my eyes) that I couldn't reach out to somebody... just like I had a bad day today.. If my memory serves right it was on a fateful third week of June '97, due to heartburn caused by LM in Salem. When I look myself from a neutral perspective, I am surprised to see myself reducing to a similiar caricature today even after a decade.. Where I am going wrong? Despite being very much balanced in the outlook and an ability to look things objectively, I find it funny to see myself crying at these kind of incidents. I certainly don't want to blame the person who made me cry because they are nice & what they are. But I want to blame my tendency to go overboard on the emotions and the levels of obsession I tend to get into when I start liking something / somebody? May be the current state of loneliness has a role to play, but like I used to say, this is the sentiment scene of my life drama... That's why I am recording it in my blog... ha! ha! ha! - {oshits} readers for this funny blog.