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Recently I came across this book called "Neengal Yaar?" (who are you?) by Mr. Soma. Valliappan. It was a book that categorises people into 9 groups based on their attitude and personality. To identify their personality types he had given a set of questionnaire at the annexure. This is a really useful book. Under my personality type I had been given some characteristics which I found surprisingly true to a large extent. Of one of the traits, 'a mild jealousy' was listed, which I agree and acknowledge. Today's blog is all about the jealousiness I had / have in my life. I always felt jealous when I didn't get something I longed for but it lands in somebody else from my circle's lap. Thankfully barring one instance, the jealousy trait had never been problematic.

All I felt more jealous and insecure was in relationships, not in my professional life. It always happens that with whomever I like a lot (or have a crush on), I never got my affection reciprocated. Alternately I had never been so appreciative of many people who liked me a lot. Else I was intimidated to reciprocate affection showered on me. So a sense of pain / longingness for the unreachable person is always there, but it never affected my policy of living life to the fullest. Coming to jealousy, first time I felt so jealous was about the friendship ARM and LMS in my 20's because I wanted to be the confidant of LMS, but somewhere I was displaced by ARM. I chose to distance myself from them with a heavy heart and that pain lasted for years...

When I was in UAE I liked CM very much, but CM liked ARV very much. On a get together ARV said that he thinks CM as his brother, vindicating CM's feelings. I started getting jealous about ARV and it played a role in affecting my cordial relationship with ARV to some extent, even though I didn't severe the ties this time. But a damage had been done. I came back to India and was struggling to grip with my career here relegating everything else to background. Still I used to get burns when thinking of CM or ARV.

{mosimage}Just they say "Time is the best healer". After the breakups, I always worked on a logic of hating hard to overcome the pains. But with the passage of time I realised that I am incapable of hating somebody I loved earlier, on the grounds of not getting reciprocated. I should kick myself first for falling for persons of not my type. Still I love LMS, ARM and CM very much as I did in the earlier times but unconditionally. I am keeping myself off from them as I am not their type of person or vice versa. Ofcourse these incidents made me still more introverted to keep my feelings and intentions within myself.

Professionally I felt mildly jealous about some of my friends who didn't struggle as much as I did, but please don't read between the lines. I love my friends and I wish them all luck and success. May be I am not lucky, why fume on my friends than blaming my stars.

Today I have cooled down a lot that I don't feel jealous about anybody or anything. Even if jealous, the feelings are momentory. I am really happy that friendships between LMS & ARM is lasting times, may be I couldn't have continued for this long. Infact now I have learnt to look in myself for my happiness and emotional support rather than looking out. Even when I take somebody close to my heart I am prepared for their separation also simultaneously. I won't cry if they move on by circumstances.

I look at myself and feel that I am blessed in many ways. Why should I look on what others got? I admit that I have some grey areas but not as bad when I look myself as a third person. As long as it doesn't turn me a predator, the presence of jealousy is something I don't mind.