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'My in-laws are not permitting me to stay with my sister and look after her who had recently met with an accident' - recently my friend told me and she was damn upset, eyes brimming with tears, about the whole incident. I really don't know how to console her and whose side I have to take. I just told her "If they dodn't want you to go at this moment, all I can say is you please don't go. Because there are others to look after your sister right now but don't make a dent in your marriage in this regard. Also don't create a scene or showdown. Just try to mend the fears and differences or wrong notions your in-laws have at this moment. They would realise that they had been unreasonable in the passage of time". Looking from the very outset, her anger / outburst is well justified. She was recently married only for four months. Whatever happened at this moment is so unfortunate but one has to cross the bridge when it comes.

 

Coming to this incident not everything is white or black, but we have to look at / try to reason the behaviour of her in-laws also. Any human being with a heart would never stoop low. So there must be a reason or misunderstanding or even fear why they stopped her. Only insecure human beings go nasty. We can easily figure out that it is their way of establishing a dominance over their daughter-in-law and they didn't want to miss out this opportunity. When I probed more about her in-laws I learnt that the elder brother of her husband (i.e her brother-in-law) had moved seperately within a couple of months of his marriage. So the in-laws are scared that their second daughter-in-law also might poison their son to move out seperately. I just told my friend that they have serious insecurity problems and first you have to win their confidence.

This sort of story takes place in almost all Indian families and such situations are actually the 'home breakers'. The grudges the protagonists nurse at these moments grow manifold / exponentially and burst out in some times severing the family ties. But if we manage to stand apart as a third person and look at these situations, we can avoid / minimise the damages. This is not only for the younger generation but also to the elders who fail to see things objectively due to insecurity. All said and done, the role of the guy caught amidst this situation is very crucial.

Whenever he behaves differently after a marriage, whether taking the suggestion of the wife or by co-incidence, the parents get a feeling that he had changed after the arrival of his wife. This generally causes a paranoia among elders that they were being short charged. All their grudges and insecurity grows into suspicion and as anger towards their daughter-in-law. So a guy must balance perfectly between his parents and the wife. The elders and wife can throw tantarums or irreasonable demands to maintain a dominance over him as he happens to be the family's fulcrum. He must stay uninfluenced and sturdy to avoid a clash between the in-laws and wife. The way of addressing the grievances must be sensitive enough as the elders can feel hurt if their part of wrong are pointed out.

Coming to my friend's issue, the elders fear that giving too much of freedom to their daughter-in-law can make her 'tear apart' her husband from them and mingle her parents / family. So they try to throw spanner in the proceedings. Also in our society, the girl is expected to make herself as a part of the husband's family in no time. Sometimes the girls take more than expected time to associate themselves with the in-laws. So her involvement with the parental family normally causes a sort of irritation to the in-laws. But expecting them not to be with the parental family at the need of the hour is bit too much. At such instances it is the duty of the husband to make better sense prevail.

Another thing is that I always suggest that the girls must keep working after the marriage just to retain their individuality or as a morale booster. They can take a break at the maternity cases. Many a times the girls who stop working after the marriage ends up facing more such sort of problems because the in-laws expect her to look after all the household chores. My friend's case was also very similiar. May be her in-laws had thought that if she leaves house for a couple of weeks, who'll take care of the house. They can't work / take care of the house and if they do so, their ego will be hurt.

There is no instant solution to this problem but it needs everyone involved to work towards forming a trust, love without which the family bonds can never survive. There needs a communication and transperency in relationships. May be if everybody starts looking things from the other protagonists point of view, things can get better in relationships.

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About myself
Maheshwaran
Author: MaheshwaranWebsite: https://www.maheshwaran.com
I am a SAP Consultant in my late 30s, residing in the happeing IT City - Bangalore. My interests vary from reading to travelling to handicrafts to photography. My latest interest is on Body building. May be this vivid interest keeps me going in my life without getting bored.

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